can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
