I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
