Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
