just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
