I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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