Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
