dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
