Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
