are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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