When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
