Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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