I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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