apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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