I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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