also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
