he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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