Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
