she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
