dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
