I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
