I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
