he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
