It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
