He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
