My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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