he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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