You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
