why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
