I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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