cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
