I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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