When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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