dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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