My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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