Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
did i walk over a car last night?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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