Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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