it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
