I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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