I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
