You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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