Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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