And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
