Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
