I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
