I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
