i jhust puked up my retainher.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
