even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
