Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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