I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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