can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
